Doing this is hard.
Like many things in life, I imagined it would be, but until I was in it I didn’t really realize how it would play out. When we talked about getting this project going, I made the analogy that it felt like we were pushing a rock up a hill, knowing there was an even steeper drop just on the other side of the apex. I still feel that way. I just didn’t anticipate the necessity of running alongside the thing, making sure it doesn’t veer off in the wrong direction.
When I’m in the middle of an interview, I’m feeling guilty about not doing housework.
When I’m doing housework, I’m feeling guilty about not writing.
When I’m writing, I’m feeling guilty for not working on my photography.
When I’m trying to read to my daughter, I’m thinking of the next story idea, and….you guessed it….feeling darky, gooey gobs of parental guilt.
I know the guilt is vestigial and will soon be forgotten. But the feeling of never catching up; of having the tiger by the tail…. that’ll be with me for some time. I’m going to have to settle into it, because the team’s plans for Denizen, my plans for my photography and my personal growth will demand that kind of chaos. You know that impostor phase that people talk about? That’s my home now. I’m moving in.
But I’m also still chasing that boulder, while living in an impostor house. Just go with it.
Analogies are hard.
Thayne Jongeward is a Yakima photographer and Denizen cofounder who's raising an amazing daughter while wondering daily why he assigned himself so much writing homework.